This Is It

The term has already came to its final end. I had enough of literally everything. Nothing went good from this. Tears, tears and tears. Nothing could put an end to this. Thank you throughout everything.

Wreck as Heck

Phew. Last Wednesday was the submission of Chapter 1, 2 and 3. And I couldnt ever been so tired than ever. Yeah.. I worked up last minute and everything was done at eleventh hour, really a pain in ass. But oh well, these chapters will not be graded anyway as in manual. So still I have to improvise these chapters week by week, before I get started to get my field data.

Hm. Well, the perk of a final year student. Bear it. It is your last semester and you gonna miss it some day, somewhere.

Moving On

So she won’t keep setting herself on fire only to make sure that you’re warm enough.

She won’t keep running after you only to realize that she’s running after something that isn’t even hers anymore.

She won’t keep changing her entire personality just to fit your ideal of the perfect girl.

And one day, 

you might just understand why she decided to stop, 

why she decided to change, and why she decided to finally leave. 

But until that day, this chapter of her life has come to a halt.

This isn’t anything new. It’s just the aftermath of another petty fight, an argument that could have easily been avoided, a disagreement that should have just been ignored.

You knew the things that would hurt her most. You knew all about her weaknesses, her vulnerabilities, her flaws. And you didn’t stop yourself once from using all of them against her. You used cruel words to convey your anger. You said things that should never have been uttered, things you can’t ever take back and things that you probably won’t even remember an hour from now. And you end up reconciling once again. But even less fully than the last time this happened.

How could you act so indifferent? How could you let her fall asleep without making sure she didn’t feel so hurt and broken after the fight? How could you let all her tears fall in the darkness of the night? How could you ignore all the things that were so obviously wrong with this relationship? And after all that’s been said and done, you still managed to convince yourself that the change in her was something that happened overnight, something that couldn’t have been stopped, and something that probably had nothing to do with the way you treated her.

Do you remember the very beginning when you would do everything in your power just to see that beautiful smile on her face once, when you would worry like crazy at the slightest change in her mood, when the thought of her crying would actually make your heart hurt? And here you are today- two strangers who were once madly, truly and deeply in love with each other.

Do you find yourself wondering why this love that burned so brightly in the past has started to flicker and fade away? Because you stopped choosing her! As soon as your life started to take an upward turn, as soon as you witnessed the bright lights of success and achievements, you started to forget all about that one girl who was always by your side in the darkest time of your life. The girl who tried her best to be your ally in the battle of life. The girl who always cheered you on from the sidelines as you reached out to achieve something new. The girl who always believed you would become the amazing man you are today.

She dulled herself out just to turn into a version of herself that you would find most suitable. She allowed herself to be less than her potential just so you could feel that you’re enough. She placed herself as the last priority just to ensure that all your wants and needs were being fulfilled. But in the process of becoming the person you wanted her to be, she lost her true self. And that’s what kills her now.

She was always so intent on keeping you happy that she forgot to stop and think about her own needs in life. Maybe she thought you would remember to take care of them without her having to ask. But that was never true, was it? She kept giving and you kept taking. It never occurred to you even once that she too needed to be looked after by someone.

Maybe one day, you will wake up and finally realize that losing her wasn’t something that happened in a single instant. That it began when you started prioritizing every single thing in your life above her, when you stopped remembering and appreciating all the ways in which she supported you, and when you forgot that she too had some needs and wants,

This change in her came when you started denying her an actual place in your heart. The same heart that she fell in love with years ago, the same heart whose kindness and beauty used to leave her in complete awe, and the same heart that actually made her believe in true love again. But that heart isn’t the same anymore. It isn’t as kind. It isn’t as big. And it isn’t the heart that she fell in love with. It’s merely a hollow and vacant hole, devoid of any emotions and feelings. - relrules.com

Uncertain of Our Future, You And I Fell In Love

It hurts. It really is. While doing and struggling to finish my fyp chapter 1, 2 and 3, I was thinking about you. I know its weird..

We've been together for a long time.. right after we both finished our high school, waiting for spm result... gosh, yes it is. As we lived far from each other, our homes and our study places, we barely meet each other yet at least we did 2-3 times in a year. That feeling meeting you after months and months, I swear, its the best feeling I ever had.. We both know we love each other but then, a mistake rise, we argued and we intently avoided each other because we thought by doing so, you or I will make a move first..

I know, I made you heart hurts, day by day.. It seems like everything is wrong.. Either I contact you and I did not, both made us argued. I know you hate that. But.. what can I do to avoid this argument? Even I dislike argument. Siapa yang suka pergaduhan? Takde orang yang suka pun...

Kau pun tak nak mengharap apa apa dari aku, kalau pun aku cari kau dan aku tak dilayan, patut ke aku pergi dari hidup kau? Perlu ke aku untuk rasa tak kisah pasal kau dalam hidup kau? I just dont know.. I just dont know how to feel.. Kalau aku kata penat, kau akan beribu kali ganda penat.. dan boleh aku kata aku penat sebenarnya?

Aku tak nak tanya bila nak kahwin lagi lepas ni. Aku juga tak nak mengharap apa apa dari kau, seperti kau juga. Pergi lah kalau kau rasa aku ni bukan yang terbaik untuk kau. Klise kan? Tapi kalau kau nak, kau buat lah. Siapa aku untuk halang kau kalaupun kau dah hilang perasaan untuk aku? Siapa aku? Mungkin kau berhak ada perempuan lagi baik dari aku.. Aku cuma mahu bersendirian.. sampai bila? Aku sendiri tak pasti. Aku doakan hidup kau, perniagaan kau, kesihatan kau, kejayaan kau semoga lebih baik dan dirahmati-Nya. Amin.

Aku cuma tak nak fikir pasal cinta. Aku sakit. Kau pun sakit. Aku cuma tak nak fikir apa apa. Aku tak pernah rasa serabut macam ni. Aku akan terus simpan duit kahwin.. kalau ada jodoh antara kita, cari lah ayah aku, bukan aku -- sebab aku tak nak ada jumpa jumpa, apa apa pun, aku tak nak hati kau dan aku terluka lagi. Kalau takde jodoh, aku boleh guna duit tu untuk benda lain.. dan aku tak ada keinginan untuk memulakan cinta yang baru.. 

January 11, 2017

Aku tahu. Ye. Dah lama aku tak update blog ni. Dah berhabuk, haprak. Tapi satu je aku nak cakap...

Alhamdulillah! Aku dah habis final exam, idp, tests, assignment untuk semester 7! Yay! 

Tapi... fyp masih menunggu aku dengan setia. Aduh, fyp, kau buat sendiri boleh tak? Ngahahaha. Okbye. Ada masa, and kot aku rajin, aku update ler lagi.