When was the last time you find yourself tear up in tears ? When was it ? Could you even remember it ? Would you ? I don't know why I was feeling this kind of way. A way, I never felt before.
Okay, as far as this, I've been in UiTM Puncak Alam, currently studying Foundation in Engineering. My class have 17 boys and 5 girls. In total, 22. Em, malas lah nak cakap English lagi. Aku dah hilang mood nak menaip English. Sebab aku rasa sangat sedih sekarang ni. Okay, kita sambung cerita tadi. So, kitorang ada 22 orang satu kelas. To be exact, patutnya ada 25 orang tapi 1 lelaki and 2 perempuan keluar. Dapat INTEC dengan Maktab. Hmm. Lagi ? Korang nak tahu apa lagi ya ?
17 lelaki dan 5 perempuan ? Haha itu normal bagi budak Engine. Kalau budak Sains, memang ramai perempuan lah. Memang jadi hot stuff lah budak lelaki Sains. Hahaha okay -,- Apa tujuan ya aku nak cakap ni ?
So, I was actually shocked knowing that, ye lah aku tak expect budak lelaki kelas aku akan cakap macam tu kat aku. Maksud aku, the way they view of me. They didn't even know the real me but suddenly, they judge me like they know it all. Say what ? Tipu okay kalau aku cakap aku tak menangis. Yelah, aku perempuan. So bila kena komen dengan budak lelaki, aku rasa macam hmmmm berkecai kot ? Yeah, I know, aku susah nak bergaul mesra dengan budak lelaki, tapi bila discuss pasal work or something related, I'm okay with it. Maybe because of the new surrounding ?
Lagi-lagi bila masa lecture/kuliah, memang 2-3 baris je line perempuan and the rest was the boys. So, I was totally not get used to it. Kadang-kadang situasi ni buat aku rasa macam nak lari dari sini. Tapi, aku tahu, ini pilihan yang aku pilih, so I have to achieve it till the end of the semester no matter how hard I've been through. Pasal budak lelaki kelas aku ni, dorang ingat aku pikir jahat pasal dorang. I never think bad of them. Seriously, I was just thinking of them as my classmates. Normal classmates. Muka aku ni garang ke ? sombong ke ? Aku ni pendiam ke ? Sampai kan dorang cakap aku ni memang tak bercakap langsung. Itu semua tipu okay.
And yeah, kelas aku memang suka buat study group. And every time we have one, I always skip. Bukan apa. Mungkin dorang ingat aku ni jenis yang lembut, sopan, the fact is I'm not really am. Siapa dengar suara aku, mesti cakap suara budak budak, and mesti nak amik kesempatan untuk buli aku kot ? -,- Yeah, I was facing this hard obstacles and now I'm trying to over it. No solution is able to sort out my problem but only tears as my best buddy now. I'm not a type of person who get easily broke up into tears. But when I got into this place, tears seems to be nice with me recently. No one seems to know how was I feel deep inside. I was faking totally outside when I feel like a shit in my inner. No one seems to know how to encourage me. Because all of this time, I was relying on my own self to get the strength but now ? I seemed to lose it now. You know what ? I'm crying now. I really need to face up myself now. I never feel down like this before. I really need someone to rely on. But who will take up some of their precious time just to be with me ?
And one more thing, aku lupa bawak charger phone. So I wasn't using my phone for 3 weeks. Korang boleh bertahan ke kalau tak pegang or even not use the phone for one day ? Ni pulak 3 minggu. Aku rasa macam pathetic sekarang ni. Tahu pathetic ? Like a loser. Orang fikir negatif pasal aku, but I'm trying to be in positive way towards them. Yeah, I was damn at all. Aku tahu aku tak bagus, tapi aku ada keinginan untuk jadi bagus. Salah ke ?
And one last thing, when I got the facebook messages from him, I feel down again. I have no word to say again. I was really sad, he told me that when I know it wasn't true. I never said that. Even if I did, why should I developed special feeling towards him then ?
In all, I wasn't good now :(