It's been already 1:40am and I obviously couldn't sleep even though I've trying myself to sleep as soon as possible. But it didn't work, that's why I'm typing right now. These days, it seems like I have a problem with myself. Well to be honest, I was still unsure, pretty regretting about my civil paper. The only paper I was totally scared of. I don't know, whenever, every time I was thinking about it, I was sure that I was very very very and very sad, it even saddens me when I couldn't bear it. I was such a fool, you know how was a fool would react when they couldn't thought about something. I was.. I started hating myself for not doing the best for it, I was too recklessly, I was afraid. Only Allah knows how was I felt for this time.
Only if I had the power to turn back the time, I WILL ! This was the worst paper I ever answered like a shit, like I never studied before, like I never touched the civil textbooks, like I never go for classes, like I never... It doesn't matter if... But there's really a small hope in my heart. I was totally horrified. I was kept telling myself, it's okay, maybe this was a lesson for you to learn in the future, for not doing it again. Maybe He wants me to feel in this way, restless, and uneasy. I used to be like this one day after the exam and it fade away after a weeks. But then, here it goes, again, attacked me abruptly. If only, if only. It was never been so easy to comfort myself when it comes to this matters. It felt like I was letting my tears rolling down, without my permission. Fool, fool, fool. I just couldn't do... How was I supposed to meet Abah if I couldn't get great grade for him ? How was I supposed to face my dad if the grade will only make him disappointed without my knowledge ? How... and I'm not okay :(